Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they.

Well, that's that.

I've got a new job, and I'm down a friend.

This is, as they say, Facebook official.

The new job is essentially a reassignment; I never asked for it and I was apprehensive about the move even though there were things that excited me about the possibility of making it. I loved my old job, but the new job needed to be done and there was nobody else who could realistically be called in.

So I'm down a friend again. If the reasons are not automatically clear to you, well, you and I have a lot in common.

My former friend wanted the job…well, maybe. That's actually not clear.

My other former friend (the one who hasn't spoken to me since the last time I got a new job) wanted the job, too…well, maybe. That's actually not clear, either.

Here's what is clear: I am an unspeakable insult (this is still a family blog, of course) who has received opportunities others have never been offered. I probably am a bit of an unspeakable insult at times, especially inside my head (I have the benefit of the full data set that is not available to the public), and I have indeed received opportunities others have never been offered. I'm not really clear on how either of these things differentiates me from my former friends who are so upset: they both seem like unspeakable insults right now, and I have never been offered the opportunities they have benefitted from, either. I know this because I remember rejoicing with them about those opportunities, sincerely happy and proud of what they had accomplished.

My boss is also an unspeakable insult, of course.

I dislike conflict; I want everyone to be friends, and I want the rivers to run with chocolate. The last week has been an exhausting brew of emotions: excitement (I've got a new job!), confusion (what do you mean, you hate me?), sadness (come back…I miss you...), and righteous indignation (YEAH, THIS IS SURE TO GET YOU AHEAD!).

It is all making me rather mean-spirited: I find myself thinking that if I am really angry, I should just be happy and satisfied as the best revenge. Then I think that being happy just to hurt someone else's feelings is probably the very definition of psychopathology. Then I think that I SHOULD BE BETTER THAN THEY ARE. Then I think that that's rather bitchy, and I should really just be happy and satisfied…well, this cycle's not going anywhere, is it?