Some people say there are no winners or losers in divorce.

They're right.

But they're also trying to talk you out of a problem that doesn't exist.

Nobody thinks there are winners or losers. They're not looking for a winner. Anyone who says there are no winners is just making noise, because nobody actually thinks otherwise.

People look for a good person and a bad person. They look with a sense of desperation, because the identification must be made before any support can be offered.

They are easy to identify. The bad person leaves.

It doesn't matter what happens up until the moment of leaving. The time that elapses is meaningless. The effort that is put in is inconsequential. One person will leave. That person is the bad one. The other is the good one, the one who needs your support.

This has been explained to me several times. The good person is the one who is trying to make the marriage work, the one who is doing the right thing. What the good person is doing or has done is irrelevant. He or she did not leave. In the end, that is all that matters.

My own family members have said as much.

It is in moments like this that I am glad I have a blog only a few people know about.

I can tell you that anyone who leaves has already tried and tried and tried to make the marriage work, and given up from exhaustion. He or she might even have tried far harder than the other, although I won't guarantee that that's true. What do I really know about someone else's relationship?

Nothing, that's what. And that's sort of the point.

The difference between the good person's trying and the bad person's trying is that you didn't see the trying the bad person did. It happened behind closed doors, or in a way you didn't really notice because you weren't paying attention.

You're not helping when you say the bad person should try. He or she has already tried. You're not sustaining a relationship, you're making your own neglect clear.

And when you ask who left, you can be sure that I know you never cared enough to notice until the day you decided you needed to identify the bad person.